Under the bus

I wanna keep this stuff separate from the Farm stuff. That's the important bit, really. But there's some stuff you should know about me, I guess.

The discussion about Peter, whether he would throw someone under a bus to save himself. My anger at him for the way he's already done this.

I did this. Not actively, I never threw anyone, but certainly somebody died because I was too busy being a coward.

I was on the ground in Iraq - no idea if I was near Renaldo, as far as I know we've never met. It was one of the assignments I had before I gave up getting myself fired and setlted for freelancing. IT was meant to be quiet. I was meant to be making a little report on the aftermath of some bombings a year earlier. It was me, a sound guy - Jeff - and a camera guy - Trick. We'd all worked together before, we were pretty good friends by this point, so we were ready to just head in, do the thing, head back out again. No hassle.

So we did.We got the report, we hopped in the truck, we were headed back out to another assignment - same sort of thing. Whether our presence pissed somebody off, I don't know. Whether we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, I don't know. Whatever reason, somebody decided to take us out.

I don't know much about weapons and things, but something self-propelled hit us. Jeff saw it coming and shouted. Trick slammed the wheel over, and I guess the thing hit, exploded, and sent the truck flying. I landed upside down, still belted in, beneath a truck leaking fuel, full of smoke.

I looked over to my right, to see if Jeff was ok. Jeff...I guess he got the worst of it, or was just unlucky, I don't know. I looked over and instead of seeing him, I saw something covered in blood that seemed to end at the upper torso.

My belt wouldn't unbuckle. Fortunately I have one skill - I can pack for emergencies and all eventualities. This time, I'd put a penknife in a pouch on my belt. Took a minute but I got free, crawled out, looked for Trick.

He was already out, but not far away - lying pretty much right next to the pool of fuel. I could see him breathing, so I shouted him. He moved, I shouted some more.

I didn't go to help him. I didn't get closer. I wanted to keep away from the fuel, because I could feel the hear, I knew it was going to go up. So instead of going down, dragging him out half-unconscious, I stayed and shouted.

He did get up, he did moe. He saw me, got to his feet - he was a little battered but he looked ok, and he just yelled at me to run and started heading my way.

So, I ran.

I ran and I didn't look back.

When it did explode, I hit the deck and stayed there until someone came to get me up.
It wasn't Trick. I don't know if he collapsed again, if he didn't move fast enough, what - but he got caught in the explosion.

Me? I got a few bumps, some smoke inhalation issues - I had mild asthma that's gotten worse since, but that's all.

No I didn't throw Trick under a bus, but I sure as hell didn't help him out of the way of one.

I was 22. I'm now almost 30. I still have the nightmares. Some where I save him, but when he turns to me he's black and burned. Some when I'm running and he grabs my foot, drags me into the fire. So many dreams.

Sometimes I'm just out, shopping or whatever, and I think I see him. I've stopped running after those people now, but there were a few crazy moments where I've grabbed someone from behind, shouting "Trick!", and it wasn't him. Most people aren't so polite about that.

I've kept out of war zones since, because I can't deal. But still, seeing other stuff  sometimes brinngs everything back. All the counselling, all the work, all the finding ways to forgive myself - and all it takes is one second of seeing something which triggers the memory and I'm shaking again.

I've been the coward. Someone who should be alive isn't because I didn't help him. And no matter how many times you tell me I could have just gotten us both killed, the only truth is - I ran. I left him.

So when I see Peter doing what he does, I recognise it. He's a coward, and he'll do and say anything to deny that, but he's a coward. Not because he's afraid - being afraid just makes you smart. He's a coward because he'll crumple and save himself, every time, at the expense of anyone else.

Since Trick, I've found something new in myself. My moment of cowardice, what I've learned from it, is how to step up and do the other thing. Losing Trick will never be ok, but I've had the chance to turn and run since then, more than once, and I've done the thing I should have done the first time.
Peter...has not done that.